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Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

What the country is talking about the week of April 28/May 5, 2000.

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1 U-571 A thriller about a mission to steal the Enigma code from a German U-boat. Or a really big Irish pop band.

2 WHERE THE HEART IS Single, pregnant, and homeless, Natalie Portman lives in a Wal-Mart store. Wouldn’t she meet more guys at a Home Depot?

3 FREQUENCY A man talks to his long-dead father over ham radio. Whoops. Seems he tuned in Garrison Keillor by accident.

4 LORD OF THE RINGS The unfinished film’s trailer was downloaded 1.7 million times in 24 hours. More amazing, several people did it on their own time — at home!

5 TAKE ME HOME: THE JOHN DENVER STORY Not to be confused with Take Me Home: The Robert Downey Jr. Story.

6 THE THREE STOOGES A revealing TV movie about the life of the slapstick comics. It clears up who really invented the two-finger eye poke.

7 ARABIAN NIGHTS ABC’s version of famous children’s stories. Let’s hope one of Aladdin’s three wishes is ”Get Elián off my TV.”

8 GEPPETTO A TV musical retelling of Pinocchio, the wooden puppet who becomes human. Pinocchio is Italian for ”Al Gore.”

9 HAMSTER PELT COATS The Queen’s London tailor has decided they weren’t such a good idea after all. They made Her Majesty’s legs look short.

10 THE ’70s A TV movie about the decade of Watergate, Studio 54, and est. And those were the good parts.

11 DANA GIACCHETTO The investor accused of bilking money from celebrities has Hollywood up in arms. That’s money that should have gone to agents, managers, and lawyers!

12 AREA 51 The Net now has pics of the supersecret Air Force test site. That’s what the aliens want you to think.

13 TOILET TO TAP The new solution to California’s chronic water shortage. Well, as long as it doesn’t have fluoride…

14 NBA PLAYOFFS Basketball ratings are down. If this keeps up, next year we’ll be watching NBA Smackdown.

15 ANANOVA The world’s first virtual anchorperson. Her first story: ”Dan Rather Gets Dry Heaves After Seeing Digital Woman Read the Headlines.”