Oscar’s (dis)honorable mentions
Most Laughable Introduction
“Actor and novelist…Ethan Hawke…”
The Kiss My Grits Award
Is it us — or did Mena Suvari’s vertically swept hair make her look a lot like Flo from Alice?
The Addams Family Values Award
Morticia look-alike Angelina Jolie and Lurch-like brother James, who canoodled and just generally gave everyone the heebie-jeebies
The Dick Butkus Look-Alike Award
Best Reason to Bring Back Geena Davis
Tyra Banks, whose giddy ”you go, girl”-isms and Scarlett O’Hara hoop gown were surpassed by this deft segue after Ashley Judd spoke about The Insider‘s attention to detail: ”Just like you, with the matching flower, the matching eye shadow, and the matching dress. You better work!” Jesus wept.
Worst Career Move
As the sideline emcee, Peter Coyote looked like a cross between a riverboat casino blackjack dealer and an operator for Time-Life Books ”standing by ready to take your order.”
The Who’Dathunkit Award
Sock-‘n-pop action producer Joel Silver (The Matrix) got thanked four times from the dais, Harvey Weinstein only once.
Magnolia‘s Paul Thomas Anderson, for opening his mouth in mock shock after losing the Best Original Screenplay award. Good thing pouting squeeze Fiona Apple was there to tell him what misunderstood geniuses they are.
Most Misunderstood Punchline
Billy Crystal’s joke that he and fellow presenter Michael Clarke Duncan looked like a semicolon next to each other. Sounds funny, but what the hell does it mean?!
Most Misunderstood Punchline (Runner-Up)
Roberto Benigni. Dude, they’re no longer laughing with you, they’re laughing at you.
Most Apologetic Heterosexual
Warren Beatty, who begged forgiveness for being a producer and for not making more movies. Hey, what about Ishtar?
Least Apologetic Heterosexual
Kevin Spacey, who mistakenly credited American Beauty‘s screenplay to director Sam Mendes, not Alan Ball, then said, ”It feels like he wrote it, though, doesn’t it?”
Least Supported Actress Award
Person We’re Most Afraid to Make a Joke About
The pumped-up, MET-Rx-enhanced Angela Bassett — because frankly, she could kick our ass.