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Oscar night play-by-play

A timeline of notable events at this year’s show

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8:30 pm The evening kicks off on a surreal note with a headset-clad, not-so-wily Peter Coyote doing the announcing maitre d’-style.
8:50 pm The cutesy banter begins courtesy of Charlie’s Angels-to-be Lucy Liu, Cameron Diaz, and Drew Barrymore.
9:21 pm Thou shalt not escape the interminable montage of historical-movie clips.
9:32 pm After a gaffe-prone, laughs-light Toy Story 2 segment, a still-miked Michael Clarke Duncan turns to Billy Crystal and says, ”What was that about?” We couldn’t have said it better ourselves.
9:54 pm A wobbly, dressed-down Cher still manages to shock with a sacrilegiously placed crucifix.
10:22 pm Jane Fonda flaunts vocalization techniques with repeated pronunciations of Andrzej Wajda as AHN-jay VYE-dah.
10:31 pm The award for Technical Achievement in Hubba-Hubba-ness goes to…Salma Hayek.
10:42 pm Diane Keaton gets attacked by a huge red rose.
10:53 pm In mid-performance Isaac Hayes gets lost in a fog of dry ice.
11:15 pm We see dead people: the annual reel honoring stars no longer with us.
11:59 pm Ultraconservative Mel Gibson is slotted between the author of a pro-abortion movie and the openly gay writer of the pedophilic Best Picture.
12:02 am A puppy-dog-faced Fiona Apple comforts boyfriend/Magnolia scribe Paul Thomas Anderson after he loses the Best Original Screenplay Oscar.
12:08 am Roberto Benigni causes near heart attacks by opening up envelope before announcing nominees.
12:38 pm After four hours and eight minutes, Billy Crystal signs off.