1 The Wall Street Journal
They polled Academy Award voters and printed the results. Fine. Next week we’re gonna start picking stocks.
2 Whitney Houston
She says she missed the Oscars because her voice wasn’t up to snuff. That never stopped Burt Bacharach.
3 Baseball Opening Day
It’s never been so exciting. We’ve got tickets to see the Rehabs play the Suspended Sentences.
4 The Filth and the Fury
A documentary about the Sex Pistols. Or the New York State Senate campaign.
5 The Road to El Dorado
A cartoon about those wild and wacky conquistadors. Teaching kids about the fun side of looting a continent.
6 Woody Harrelson
He’ll have to stand trial for planting harmless commercial hemp seeds. If it had been tobacco, he’d get a subsidy.
7 Daylight Saving Time
It lets us watch TV by natural light for an extra hour a day.
8 Freaks and Geeks
NBC canceled the critically acclaimed, low-rated show. If they’re not popular in high school, why would they be popular on TV?
9 High Fidelity
John Cusack leads a gang of slacker record-store clerks. As if we needed another reason to shop online.
10 Backstreet Boys
A Canadian university blasted protesters with the boy band’s music. To get rid of mice they use Mariah Carey.
11 The Skulls
A secret college society will stop at nothing to further their evil ends. As opposed to business majors, who do it out in the open.
12 Mick Jagger
He told a London paper his school days were a nightmare. The principal wouldn’t let him date Brazilian supermodels.
A prime-time drama about deranged mental patients. I get enough of that at work.
14 Kathleen Turner
She appears nude in a London stage version of The Graduate. Critics gave her a B. Or was it a 36B?
Employees at their theme parks can now wear mustaches. The workers’ new campaign: ”Beards by 3000!”