Entertainment Weekly


Stay Connected


Advertise With Us

Learn More

Skip to content


Sound Bites: The week's best TV quotes

TV’s funniest lines from March 25-31

Posted on

”The rumor is that Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche want to have a child, and they want the father to be Michael Bolton. In a related story, Melissa Etheridge announced she’s now opposed to lesbians having children.”
Conan O’Brien on Late Night

TV Guide announced it would cancel its Spanish-language edition, which was launched just last October. Evidently the magazine’s sales numbers began to drop after the 20th consecutive cover story on Jimmy Smits.”
Colin Quinn on SNL

”A convoy of truckers rolled on Washington today to protest rising fuel prices. To give you an idea of how expensive it’s getting to drive, today Halle Berry hit and then remained at the scene.”
Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect

”We are, of course, in Los Angeles. The only place in the world where people pay $4 for a 12-ounce cappuccino and then complain that gas is $1.83 a gallon.”
Jay Leno on The Tonight Show