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Sound bites: The week's best TV quotes

TV’s funniest lines from March 18 to 24

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”I’m not shallow, Fez, I just judge chicks on their looks.” Kelso (Ashton Kutcher), on That ’70s Show

”Calista Flockhart says that the public unfairly judges women by their appearance, and that she’s in the same boat as Monica Lewinsky and Linda Tripp. Of course. After those two, who else would fit?”
Colin Quinn on SNL

”Big victory for George W. Bush in the California primary on Tuesday. He was in such a good mood, he went the entire day without executing anybody.”
Jay Leno on The Tonight Show

”At his home [on Super Tuesday], a surprised Alan Keyes saw election results on TV, and finally realized what the string around his finger was for.”
Jon Stewart on The Daily Show

”’Everybody Poops’ is still the standard, of course. We’ve also got the less popular ‘Nobody Poops but You.”’
Bookstore Clerk, on Family Guy