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Laura Schlessinger's 'gay friends'

Laura Schlessinger’s ”gay friends”–”Frasier” writer Joe Keean imagines how the doctor entertains her personal friends and ideological enemies

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Though Dr. Laura thinks homosexuals are a ”biological error” and far more likely than straight people to be pedophiles, she claims nonetheless to have many ”close relationships with gay friends.” I can never hear this without wondering, Who are these people? Just how easygoing, how eerily accommodating would a gay couple have to be to maintain a friendship with Dr. Laura? And what are the dinner parties like? I imagine they must be something like this:

Kevin and Bob are greeted at the door by Dr. Laura, her husband, Lew, and her son, Deryk.
Bob: Hi, Dr. Laura.
Dr. Laura: Bob, Kevin! Oh good — you brought your own plates.
Kevin: We got your e-mail.
Dr. Laura: Come in, sit! You know Lew and my son, Deryk.
Kevin: Hi, Deryk. That’s some cool biohazard suit you’re wearing.
Deryk: (inaudible)
Dr. Laura: Would you boys like something before dinner? A cocktail? Cashews? Reparative therapy?
Bob: No, thanks.
Dr. Laura: It’s really no problem. We can squeeze in a session while the roast settles.
Kevin: Uh, not tonight.
Bob: We heard your show today. That homosexuality/incest comparison — ouch!
Dr. Laura: I hope that, being my dear friends, you didn’t take it personally. You know my disgust with your deviant sexuality in no way lessens my great personal affection for you.
Kevin: We love you too, Dr. Laura.
Dr. Laura: Thank you. Could you sit farther apart, please?
Kevin: Sorry.
Dr. Laura: And try to stay on the plastic sheet. Deryk, offer our guests some cheese straws…no, no — use the mechanical arm.
Kevin: Thanks. These are good.
Dr. Laura: Not half as good as heterosexual intercourse in a divinely sanctioned union…c’mon — one quick session!
Lew: You boys have a nice day?
Kevin: Yes. We watched Bette Davis in All About Eve. Boy, she’s good in that.
Dr. Laura: (switching off Deryk’s audio feed) I think we can do without the recruiting speeches.
Kevin: Sorry.
Deryk: (inaudible)
Dr. Laura: Okay, let’s forget it by playing a fun game. How about aversion therapy! Lew, you get the electrodes and I’ll pop in the ”Lifeguards of Australia” video.
Bob: I dunno. That kind of ruined my birthday party.
Lew: They don’t like that one, Laura.
Dr. Laura: Can’t you see I’m just trying to help these guys? It’s my duty to them — they’re our friends.

Joe Keenan, gay executive producer of the Paramount sitcom Frasier