1 Jennifer Lopez I don’t know about other people, but I only watch the Grammys to read the articles.
2 What Planet Are You From? Garry Shandling plays an alien who must mate with a human female to preserve his race. Oh, who hasn’t used that line!
3 Puff Daddy He’s been charged with offering his chauffeur a $50,000 bribe. He says he’s just a big tipper.
4 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Want to reward creativity in the music biz? Induct some old record-label accountants.
5 Regis Philbin The game-show host is signing a multi-million-dollar deal. No dummy, Peter Jennings is changing World News Tonight to Guess Tonight’s News.
6 Tonya Harding She denies hitting her boyfriend in the face with a hubcap. Nevertheless, she’s been banned from professional dating for life.
7 Drowning Mona Everyone in a small town has a motive for killing Bette Midler. They’ve seen Beaches?
8 Teletubbies The BBC has signed a deal to show it in Russia. Wasn’t losing the Cold War punishment enough?
9 The Next Best Thing Madonna gets pregnant by her gay boyfriend. Herb Ritts is doing the sonogram.
10 Kathie Lee Gifford There’s only one place Regis will ever find anyone to replace her. Stepford.
11 Celine Dion She’s suing a tab that said she was pregnant with twins for $20 million. Lucky they didn’t say octuplets.
12 Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai Forest Whitaker plays a hitman/mystical martial artist full of ancient wisdom. He studied for years with the Corleone Lama.
13 Gasoline It’s around $1.50 a gallon. If it gets any higher, gas companies might start harvesting the oil right off the faces of Backstreet Boys fans.
14 Britney Spears She’s launching her own line of bubble gum. Four out of five dentists recommend you throw it away.
15 David Geffen A new bio of the billionaire record/movie mogul says he was this close to marrying Cher. But he was no Gregg Allman.