1 Tom Arnold Roseanne’s ex is looking for a wife online. Find him at who.wants.to.marry.a.plump.C-list.actor.com.
2 Jorg Haider That’s how Austria spells Pat Buchanan.
3 Queen Elizabeth II A porter said that her food could easily be poisoned. Isn’t poisoning British food redundant?
4 Sesamestrasse The German company that bought the Muppets says it won’t change a thing. The Strudel Monster will, however, live in a much cleaner trash can.
5 Mir space station A Russian actor wants to film a thriller on the leaky old spacecraft: Waiting to Inhale.
6 Charlie Sheen He’ll join the cast of Spin City. Of course, he thought they said Skin City.
7 David Letterman The funnyman is back at work only five weeks after heart surgery. Proving that detached, self-mocking, ironic sarcasm is the best medicine.
8 Cats Broadway’s longest-running show will close in June. The entire cast will be spayed to keep down the number of out-of-work actors.
9 Darryl Strawberry The New York Yankee tested positive for drugs once again. Who knew he was trying to get in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
10 Sing-Along Sound of Music A hit in London. Moviegoers come in costume to harmonize with Julie Andrews. The big surprise is how many men seem to own nun outfits.
11 Fox They won’t be rerunning the controversial Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire? Instead, they’ll try an all-new show, Hooking for Dollars.
12 Wonder Boys Michael Douglas plays a novelist with a severe case of writer’s block. How come no one ever gets ditchdigger’s block or bank teller’s block?
13 Charlotte Church The 14-year-old ”Voice of an Angel” is being sued for a reported $8 million by her ex-manager. If she had that kind of money, he wouldn’t be her ex-manager.
14 John Lennon The piano on which he wrote ”Imagine” may snag $1.5 million at auction. Did he leave some cash in it?
15 Reindeer Games A blow-’em-up, double-crossing robbery caper. If that doesn’t scream Christmas, what does?