We all know that in October 1994 three student filmmakers disappeared in the woods near Burkittsville, Md., while shooting a documentary. Five years later their footage caused quite a commotion. But what of those wannabes who followed their trail?
THE BLAIR CLOWN PROJECT (1999, Backstage Productions, 66 mins., unrated)
Victims Three slackers who hated The Blair Witch Project Locale Somewhere in Delaware Mission To track down Swanky, a.k.a. the Blair Clown, a child-molesting jester Things turn serious when they find cotton candy all over their stuff. In the dead of night, they hear the dreaded honk of a rubber horn. They find twigs in the shape of a trapeze. As for the ending… In an abandoned house in the middle of the woods, never turn your back on an ax-wielding clown, even if you do have to take a whiz.
THE BLAIR PRINCESS PROJECT (1999, Picture This!, 10 mins., unrated)
Victims Three Jewish girls — Paula, Shannon, and Coley — on the way to their friend Blair’s wedding Locale The hills of Malibu, Calif. Mission To find Temple Beth Israel Things turn serious when Paula discovers that she set her pocketbook down on a used condom. In the dead of night, they hear someone chanting, ”Oy, oy, oy, oy.” They find twigs in the shape of a Star of David. As for the ending… It seems Coley can pee standing up. Really.
THE BLAIR WITCH REJECTS (1999, Nitestar, 87 mins., unrated)
Victims Ten filmmakers looking to cash in on an indie sensation Locale A California state park Mission To find Nelly, the West Woods Witch (allegedly the sister of the Blair Witch) Things turn serious when they run into a bunch of other film crews doing Blair Witch knockoffs. In the dead of night, they hear the maudlin sounds of a bugle playing ”Taps.” They find twigs in the shape of Stonehenge. Well, they’re not twigs, they’re rocks, or at least styrofoam painted to look like rocks. As for the ending… Yes, even anal-probing extraterrestrials are willing to grab a camcorder and ride the coattails of a cultural phenomenon.
THE EROTIC WITCH PROJECT (2000, Seduction Cinema, 80 mins., unrated, also on DVD)
Victims Three curious, pulchritudinous coeds Locale Bacchusville, N.J. (the director’s name is John Bacchus) Mission To track the legendary Erotic Witch, known for making wayward travelers perilously amorous. Things turn serious when the map (and their clothes) disappear. In the dead of night, they hear the evocative sounds of fornication. They find twigs in the shape of a female figure, next to the words ”eat me” spelled out in sticks. As for the ending…Apparently, the only safeguard against a woodland spirit is a fireside ménage à trois.
THE OZ WITCH PROJECT (1999, http://www.ozwitch.com, 9 mins., unrated)
Victims Dorothy, the Tin Man, the Scarecrow, and the Cowardly Lion Locale The woods near the Emerald City Mission To explore the legend of the Wicked Witch of the West. Things turn serious when they stumble on a trail of oversized rainbow-swirled lollipops. In the dead of night, they hear that screechy Lollipop Guild song. They find twigs in the shape of the Blair Witch stick sculpture. As for the ending…A prone, incapacitated Dorothy tries heading homeward with a click of her ruby-red slippers.