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A surprising look at pro wrestlers' literary lives

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Courtesy WWF

They whup butt, they crack skulls, AND they craft elegant sentences. Yes, those seemingly unstoppable professional wrestlers are conquering a new arena: book publishing. The WWF’s Mankind (a.k.a. Mick Foley) kicked off the bizarre trend in December with his memoir, ”Have a Nice Day,” which topped the New York Times best-seller list. Recently, tomes by the Rock and Diamond Dallas Page hit shelves, and efforts by Chyna and Bill Goldberg will slam into stores later this year. Frankly, we’re not surprised by their success. An examination of the genre reveals that grapplers have an iron grasp of literary devices. A look:

Title ”The Rock Says” (ReganBooks)
Author The Rock, a.k.a. Dwayne Johnson
Best simile ”The Rock goes through The Undertaker like Ex-Lax goes through his big fat mama!”
Most revealing passage ”The Rock… damn near sticks Mankind’s bulbous bushy head into the 400-degree oven.”
Best onomatopoeia ”Whump!”
Best rhetorical question ”Is The Rock embarrassed? Hell, no! The Rock is a man and a half.”
Most poignant passage ”I jumped to my feet and met [Stone Cold Steve Austin] in the center of the room, and we hugged for a good ten seconds… a real f—ing brotherly embrace.”

Title ”Positively Page” (Positive Publications)
Author Diamond Dallas Page, a.k.a. Page Falkinberg, with Larry ”Smokey” Genta
Best simile ”[I] parted the crowd like Moses in rhinestones.”
Most revealing passage ”There were all kinds of girls — the chicks, the babes and the broads.”
Best onomatopoeia ”Whack!”
Best rhetorical question ”Have I made mistakes? Damn right I have!”
Most poignant passage ”I love my grandmother… she’s truly an angel. Can you imagine going through menopause and trying to raise me at the same time?”

Title ”Have a Nice Day! A Tale of Blood and Sweatsocks” (ReganBooks)
Author Mankind, a.k.a. Mick Foley
Best simile ”[My ear] looked like a piece of uncooked chicken, with tape on it.”
Most revealing passage ”I resembled a pimply-faced fifteen-year-old trying to ring a bell with his hammer, so he could impress his skanky girlfriend.”
Best rhetorical question Did [my tooth go] through the mouth and out the sinus cavity as some felt, or [did it] just move the two inches from mouth to nose, as I have come to believe?”
Best onomatopoeia ”Boom, boom, boom — I was really nailing big Leon.”
Most poignant passage ”When you find a girl that you feel strong enough to sing Neil Diamond in front of — well, man, you’ve got to hold on to that girl.”

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