What should happen on ”Beverly Hills, 90210”’s final season
Don the sackcloth, commence the weeping and gnashing of teeth, for the greatest teen drama of all time, ”Beverly Hills, 90210,” is no more. Or, at least, will be no more after this season, now that Fox and Aaron Spelling have decided to end the show’s 10-year run this spring. Argue all you want about how ”90210” is a shadow of its former self, how it has shed its West Beverly High roots for convoluted ”Melrose Place” shenanigans — it doesn’t change the fact that this Wednesday-at-8 staple of bad acting, bad hair, and inexplicably addictive melodrama is going to leave a gaping void in many lives (including the Fox scheduling execs).
Though I’m still in mourning, I’ve been able to stop sobbing long enough to make a list of the seven things ”90210” writers need to make happen before the last episode airs.
1 Brenda returns from London (or wherever she is now — San Francisco, maybe?) and finally explains (a) what she’s really been doing all this time (no one’s buying that ”studying acting” crap) and (b) why she couldn’t drag her sorry butt back to her home zip code for the near wedding of her best friend (Kelly) and her brother (Brandon).
2 Dylan dies from a heart attack after finally getting his hotel bill.
3 Brandon, having been fired from the New York Chronicle for plagiarism, returns to Beverly Hills with Andrea — long free of that drip of a husband, Jesse — in tow. They take over the Beverly Beat in a vain attempt to recapture their high school newspaper glory days.
4 Jim and Cindy wake up to the fact that Casa Walsh has been Casa non-Walsh for quite some time now. They torch it for the insurance money.
5 Through the miracle of peroxide and modern rhinoplastic science, Donna gets her old hair color — and her old nose — back. And then comes the most important reunion of all: She and David get back together. (Either that, or David comes out of the closet.)
6 In her final act of vengeance, Val — now a wildly successful concert promoter — returns, buys the Peach Pit and the After Dark, and tears them down to make way for her 40-story corporate headquarters.
7 Noah is run over by a Zamboni. It is a very painful death.