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Tongue-Tied

10 STUPID QUESTIONS WITH GENE SIMMONS

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As retro-teen-rock & roll-high-school-comedy flicks go, Detroit Rock City seems right on the mark. Four ’70s stoners get totally stoked for a Kiss concert, only to encounter more trials than Odysseus (dude, I mean O-KISS-eus). With the movie’s Jan. 11 videotape release, now seems like the perfect time to sit down with Homeric Kiss frontman Gene Simmons for a stupid chat. — Rob Brunner

1. Don’t you think the movie kind of, well, stinks?

It’s a matter of what lifts your skirt. I know the nice evening gown you’re wearing right now is probably very appealing to you. You know, the strapless one, the one I like so much. I accept your point of view. Some people like it and some people don’t.

2. Is it cooler to abbreviate it as D.R.C. or just Rock City?

You [rent the video], you have your day in the sun. I call it Detroit Rock City.

3. You guys were only in it for, like, two minutes. Couldn’t you have pulled some strings and gotten a little more screen time?

Well, yeah, I’m the producer. But it’s not about us. The Wizard of Oz was only on screen for [a few] minutes. I don’t think it would have served the story if Kiss had been on more.

4. Edward Furlong was also in Terminator 2. Does that sort of make you the rock & roll Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Yes. I have a strange accent, I wasn’t born in America, and I have a big gun. Wanna see it?

5. Can you discuss the motivation and development of Natasha Lyonne’s disco-loving Guidette character?

The way movies should be made is you hire a director and you let him direct. So nuances of the development of Natasha’s character were in the capable hands of Adam Rifkin, our director.

6. That’s a little evasive. Have you seen the movie?

As a matter of fact I have. I have to say these are great Stuttering John questions.

7. What Oscar categories do you think the movie has the best shot at?

It doesn’t aspire to that. Comedies by and large don’t get treated with any respect by the Academy, so I don’t think it has a chance.

8. Once a friend of mine peed out of the sunroof of a moving car while ”Strutter” was blasting on the stereo. What’s up with that?

When you say ”What’s up with that,” is that like Arsenio Hall language? A street patois? I really am at a loss for words. What kind of a car was it?

9. Never mind. Who would look better in Kiss makeup: George W. Bush or Al Gore?

Bush would look good in Peter Criss makeup. Gore has the pouting thing going, so he’d probably look good in Paul Stanley makeup. Clinton would look good in Gene Simmons makeup, because he’s a whore just like me.

10. What do you have in common with Richard Simmons?

A powerful and attractive last name.

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