1 ANY GIVEN SUNDAY Oliver Stone’s expose film about pro football. Who knew the Green Bay Packers killed JFK?
2 JERRY SEINFELD The comedian married his short-time girlfriend Jessica Sklar, but they’re keeping mum on the honeymoon. He’s afraid she might meet someone else.
3 FANTASIA/2000 The Disney update features seven new compositions, including ”I Was So Stoned the First Time I Saw This” and ”Like, Wow, Dude.”
4 THE GOLDEN GLOBES The Hollywood Foreign Press Association returned gifts from USA Films so it wouldn’t look like a bribe. They want to sleep with Sharon Stone instead.
5 PRINCE WILLIAM The heir to the British throne has wrangled a date with the ever-so-common Britney Spears. She’s learning which fork to use to take out her gum.
6 GENE-ENGINEERED GRASS Scientists say they can make grass that doesn’t grow as fast. The only drawback is that it’s pink and smells like burning tires.
7 GALAXY QUEST Aliens think the cast of a brainless TV show can really save their race. They kidnap the panelists on Meet the Press.
8 ALBERT EINSTEIN TIME named him Person of the Century. If he’s so important, why wasn’t he ever on Oprah?
9 JOHN ROCKER In an interview, the Atlanta pitcher made bigoted remarks. Baseball’s all-white owners were shocked.
10 BATMAN 5 It’s reported that Ben Affleck will play the Caped Crusader if Gwyneth Paltrow gets to play Catwoman. He’ll think twice after she coughs up her first vinyl ball.
11 MICHAEL JACKSON Tabloids say he’d like to marry Elizabeth Taylor. They could have his and her powder rooms.
12 GRUDGE MATCH Former heavyweight champion Joe Frazier’s daughter wants to box Muhammad Ali’s daughter. The winner will take on George Foreman’s daughter, George.
13 GARTH BROOKS He says he’ll retire in a year and this time he’s serious. He’s already ordered a monster-truck golf cart.
14 BEANIE BABIES The public can vote whether any more should be made. But Pokemon will run negative campaign ads.
15 JAN. 1, 2000 And you’re wasting a candle reading this?