You’ve probably heard 2,000 too many predictions about what’s in store for the roaring ’00s already. But after peering into our crystal monitor, we learned such shocking details about what the future of the Internet holds that we couldn’t help but share a few of the insights. Remember, Mr. Kreskin, you read it here first:
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire will suffer a ratings drop due to the abundance of Internet day-trading millionaires.
Bill Gates will become the first trillionaire, finally get a new haircut, and, in a press conference, announce that computers are boring, nerdy toys.
Ally McBeal creator David E. Kelley will develop Environmental Harassment, an online television drama that lets viewers interact with their coworkers over the Internet in ways that were previously unacceptable.
Movie theaters will install back-of-seat computers so audiences can write snap reviews that are instantaneously uploaded to Harry Knowles’ Ain’t It Cool News website. Later in the year, Knowles will be appointed to head the MPAA after Jack Valenti implodes during a press conference on digital movie piracy.
A special compilation of digital downloads featuring classic rockers-turned-Net ”visionaries” like Metallica and Billy Idol will become available. It will be titled Jurassic Rock.
Visitors to the website for The Blair Witch Project Part 2 will be fooled into thinking that it’s a slick promotional vehicle for the movie sequel. In fact, the site will be the sequel.
eBay will change its name to The Yard Sale That Wouldn’t Die. Artisan Entertainment will turn it into a horror movie with an immensely popular website.
An indigenous tribe of Amazonian craftsmen will force Jeff Bezos to relinquish the Amazon.com domain name. A woven-basket initial public offering will set the stock market abuzz.
The Matrix sequels will flop, but Keanu Reeves’ career will miraculously live on.
In a throwback to the vinyl-versus-CD wars, MP3 audiophiles will argue that MP4 just doesn’t sound as good as the old format.
Doodie.com will partner with Parenting magazine to create a Web portal for potty training.
Campus hackers will discover a new way to pirate songs before they’ve even been recorded — by plugging their PCs directly into rock stars’ frontal lobes and pressing the record button. For some reason, Keith Richards bootlegs all sound like static.
Unread back issues of Salon.com will continue to pile up in your Web browser.
Garth Brooks, having already posed as a grunge rocker named Chris Gaines, will take on the persona of a wired rocker. Everybody will confuse him with David Bowie.