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ONE IN A THOUSAND It’s a tradition here at EW: Every thousand years, we ask celebs to tell us their resolutions for the new millennium. Here’s the latest installment:

”I hope that in the next millennium I’ll do a movie with my son Michael.” — KIRK DOUGLAS

”Staying humble, remaining grateful, and saying ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’ and ‘Excuse me.”’ — ANGELA BASSETT

”To always stay in the crosswalk. Not to jaywalk in the year 2000.” — WILL FERRELL (SNL)

”Gather dirt on Regis Philbin.” — GARTH ANCIER, president of NBC Entertainment

”No more sitcoms for NBC.” — NATHAN LANE

”I just want to try to be in good movies and stay with my boyfriend.” — HEATHER GRAHAM

”I intend to make more movies close to home. I get homesick.” — GWYNETH PALTROW

And our personal favorite millennial musing: ”I don’t believe in time. After all, we invented the calendar! Nature’s looking down saying ‘Millennium what? What are you talking about?”’ — ROD STEIGER

LOVE LETTER We’re always happy to help our friend Courtney Love. So here, in full, we present her plea to America, which she relayed to us at the Man on the Moon premiere: ”We need a bass player really bad,” says Love, whose band, Hole, recently parted ways with Melissa Auf Der Maur. ”We just auditioned 30 of them over the weekend. Why can’t chicks play? What’s up? Is this the fallout from Lilith? During grunge this never would have happened. If you’re reading this, if you’re good and you can play as good as someone in Led Zeppelin, I need you to call me because you will get paid. Please, please come. And you must have ovaries.” — Adam Winer

OH, BOYS They’re popping up like pimples on a pubescent nose: boy-band spoofs. Consider the evidence: Fast-food chain Jack in the Box has aired a popular ad featuring the fictional Meaty Cheesy Boys, fresh-faced kids who croon about the ultimate cheeseburger. The Internet is littered with lampooning sites bearing names like ”’N Sync ‘N Duces Vomiting.” And rockers Blink-182 shot a wry video for their tune ”All the Small Things,” parodying, in part, the white-suited Backstreet Boys’ ”I Want It That Way” video. The keys to a boy-band satire? ”Make lots of eye contact, be really cocky, do a lot of pointing. It’s all about ‘me,”’ says ”Small Things” director Marcos Siega. The backlash is far from over. Come Feb. 21, the genre gets its own Spinal Tap when MTV airs 2Gether, a bubblegum mockumentary. 2Gether director Nigel Dick says real boy bands shouldn’t take it personally. ”They may not like some of the jokes, but they’ll be entertained,” says Dick. ”The movie’s not Yeah, they’re wankers. We show that they all work really, really hard.” — Jeff Jensen

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