1 Stevie Wonder He’s hoping an operation may recover some of his sight. Boy, is he going to be mad when he sees what they did to his hair.
2 Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo A cross between Citizen Kane and Casablanca! Maybe the best movie ever made! There’s a gun to my head!
3 Jay-Z People are surprised the best-selling rapper is accused of stabbing a man in a nightclub. Normally he doesn’t like to do publicity for a new album.
4 Jennifer Lopez Reports say she’s insured her body for $1 billion. Whenever she needs cash, she’ll break a nail.
5 Paul McCartney The ex-Beatle will play Liverpool’s Cavern Club for the first time in 36 years. But this time he doesn’t have to split the 20 quid four ways.
6 George Clooney He may return to ER for a wedding. Guests will have to fill out a form and wait six hours to see the bride and groom.
7 Jerry Hall Mick Jagger’s supermodel ex will be a judge for a British book awards. The ones with the prettiest covers may have a chance.
8 Miss America Miss 1998 is working in a New York deli. Until she gets her big acting break — a job in a Hollywood deli.
9 Mars Polar Lander The $165 million craft disappeared. The Martian government is claiming it’s a weather balloon.
10 The Green Mile A man on death row may have miraculous powers. Obviously, picking lawyers isn’t one of them.
11 Super Bowl XXXIV Half-minute ads are going for $2 million-plus. Sorry, what did you say? I was in the bathroom.
12 Jason Priestley The 90210 star says he was trying to miss a deer when he wrapped his Porsche around a tree. The police say he was trying to miss a pink elephant.
13 New Year’s Eve Events have been canceled due to lack of interest. If this keeps up, Dick Clark will be in bed by 10:30.
14 Starbucks A customer charges he was injured in a toilet-seat accident. He was unaware they could be put down.
15 Jim Carrey Some fear the Man on the Moon star has been taken over by the dark side of comedy. Darth Shecky.