1 TOY STORY 2 Woody discovers he’s a famous marionette who’s worth a small fortune to the highest bidder. That’s right, he’s a U.S. senator.
2 CHERIE BLAIR The British prime minister’s wife is pregnant. Apparently it’s normal over there for a politician to have sex with his own wife.
3 ANNA AND THE KING The Thai censor board says it’s insensitive. It never shows the upside of egomaniacal despotism.
4 JEWEL She canceled her Alaskan New Year’s Eve concert because of Y2K fears. If the power went out, the audience was afraid she’d recite her poetry.
5 ELTON JOHN He was held up in Canadian customs for two hours. They caught him trying to sneak some personality into the country.
6 MODERATE DRINKING A study says it decreases your chances of having a stroke. Because you’ll probably be killed by a drunk driver first.
7 JESSE VENTURA Someone’s selling a lifelike doll of him. It was formerly known as Knee Me in the Groin Elmo.
8 END OF DAYS Arnold Schwarzenegger fights Satan to stop the apocalypse. But first he’s gotta get past the gatekeeper—Jerry Springer.
9 JOHN CARPENTER The IRS employee won a million on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. Well, Regis won’t be audited.
10 NEW YEAR’S EVE A survey finds 72 percent of Americans won’t do anything special. The other 28 percent are single.
11 DREW BARRYMORE Her estranged mother is auctioning off her childhood items. Wonder why they don’t get along?
12 CBS They paid $6 billion for rights to NCAA basketball tournaments. Think of all the remedial classes that could buy.
13 DEMI MOORE She’s being considered for Basic Instinct 2. In which she won’t wear any clothes at her interrogation.
14 FLAWLESS A drag queen teaches stroke victim Robert De Niro to sing. A John Waters/Martin Scorsese production.
15 WILL SMITH The Wild Wild West star says he wants to be the first black President. Bet he won’t be hiring Barry Sonnenfeld to direct his campaign commercials.