1 IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE It’s become a holiday tradition—explaining what black and white is to a 13-year-old.
2 THE WIZARD OF OZ The first time ever on cable! Wow! We were sick of watching it on crappy old network TV.
3 MOUNT EVEREST Scientists have discovered it’s seven feet taller than they thought. Those frozen bodies add up.
4 TWO BABIES: SWITCHED AT BIRTH The little-known Donald Trump/Abbie Hoffman story.
5 BUBBLEBOY A computer virus that references the Seinfeld show. When it’s finished, there’s nothing on your screen.
6 VAN HALEN Eddie’s getting a hip replacement. As with lead singers, he plans to get a new one every few years.
7 CITIZEN KANE The screenwriting Oscar for one of the greatest movies of all time will be sold at auction. Academy Awards—Beanie Babies for millionaires.
8 THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH The latest James Bond movie. Or the life story of Regis Philbin.
9 ”Y2KMCA” The Village People plan to introduce a new version for the millennium. It only works on CD players powered by gas generators.
10 POKEMON: THE FIRST MOVIE It grossed $51 million in its first week. They’re already working on the sequel, Pikachu’s Dream: Give Me Your Wallets.
11 MICHAEL JACKSON He wants to star in a movie about Edgar Allan Poe. I’m already scared.
12 SLEEPY HOLLOW Johnny Depp tracks a murderous Headless Horseman. That sounds more like Sleep-Deprivation Hollow.
13 THANKSGIVING Dear Lord, I have traveled hundreds of miles in horrible traffic to relive the worst moments of my childhood. Thank you for making it only one day a year.
14 CHRISTMAS SHOPPING It officially starts the day after Thanksgiving. It unofficially started the day after last Christmas.
15 TIMELINE Michael Crichton’s new novel about historians who travel back in time to war-torn medieval France. We hear it’s much better in the off-season.