1. CHEWBACCA RIP A new Star Wars book kills off Han Solo’s furry sidekick. They bury him in a very large shoe box in Princess Leia’s backyard.
2. CRAZY IN ALABAMA Murderous housewife Melanie Griffith wants to become a movie star. If you do not have an agent, the court will appoint one for you.
3. BATS Swarms of the winged creatures attack a small town for no reason at all. Why didn’t Hitchcock think of this?
4. NICOLE KIDMAN The Australian star will be one of the many torchbearers at the Sydney Olympics. But she’ll be the only nude one.
5. TONYA HARDING The disgraced amateur is making her pro competition skating debut. In Fight Club on Ice.
6. ALLY MCBEAL She’ll kiss a woman for sweeps week. It’s something never seen on network TV — a skinny lesbian.
7. THE WHO The loudest ’60s band is making a new album. They’re now called ”What?”
8. A SECRET AFFAIR The bodice ripper comes to TV. It’s like the World Series, except no men get left on third base.
9. BROADWAY’S DAME EDNA A guy in makeup acts like a flamboyant, loudmouthed woman. Oh, it’s Dennis Rodman.
10. THE OMEGA CODE The Christian thriller is getting raves. Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John gave it four thumbs up.
11. EURYTHMICS Annie Lennox and that other band member have patched up their differences. They no longer fight over who is more famous.
12. BRINGING OUT THE DEAD Ambulance driver Nic Cage snaps under the pressure of the job. Isn’t it the guy lying in the back who should be worried?
13. NYPD BLUE Its tough stars are whining that ABC might move them to another night. Just wait till they move your parking spot, guys.
14. THREE TO TANGO Matthew Perry runs around with his boss’ girlfriend. Sounds more like a fox-trot to me.
15. MARTHA STEWART The Craft Queen made more than a billion dollars in one day by taking her company public. Her next book will be called Skip It, Just Hire a Decorator.