1. Oprah Some people want her to run for President. Her competition.
2. Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young They’ve put away their differences for the sake of the music. Broke, huh?
3. The straight story A movie about a man who drives across Iowa on a lawn tractor. And the 300 cars behind him.
4. Beethoven They’ve unearthed a long-lost score by the great composer. It’s called ”Let’s Party Like It’s 1799.”
5. Music of the Heart Meryl Streep teaches underprivileged children how to play the violin. And the proper way to eat caviar.
6. The Story of Us Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer depict the modern marriage. Till death do us part, or 15 years, whichever comes first.
7. Silk Hope A TV movie in which ne’er-do-well Farrah Fawcett tries to save the family farm. Without mussing her hair or breaking a nail.
8. Michael Jackson His second wife has filed for divorce. She cited irreconcilable weirdness.
9. The Island Castaway Game Show The sole survivor wins a million dollars. Sounds like a budget cruise.
10. Elvis Auction His draft card went for $22,500 at the Graceland garage sale. Imagine what a prescription for painkillers would have fetched.
11. Julia Child The 87-year-old chef has a new show. The first episode features ”How to baste your chicken in Metamucil” and ”What variety prune juice goes with fish.”
12. Olivia Newton-John She says she’s not getting enough money from the 1978 Grease soundtrack. Hmm, 21 years — yeah, that’s Australian for ASAP.
13. Mr. Rock ‘n’ Roll A TV movie about Alan Freed, the ’50s DJ who hyped the phrase and made it stick. We’re lucky he didn’t go with his second choice: ”slip and fall.”
14. Fight Club A film about an underground cult that gets off on pain and suffering. Also known as fans of Wasteland.
15. Margaret McGregor She made boxing history. She won a fight without letting Don King near her money.