1 MARK McGWIRE Last week he set a new record. For going two days in a row without setting a record.
2 MISS TEEN USA It’s like the Miss America pageant. Only instead of states, contestants represent different malls.
3 ELTON JOHN The debt-laden singer also owes nearly $30 million in taxes. He should’ve kept those cab receipts.
4 PSYCHO An international panel of directors has picked that as Alfred Hitchcock’s best film. In another gutsy move, they named buttered popcorn ”best movie treat.”
5 ROBERT DOWNEY JR. He’s been sentenced to three years in jail, but with good behavior he could be out in a year. Then back in, then out, then in…
6 WILLS AND HARRY The two English princes helped push a stranded motorist’s car. So that’s why the state pays them a few million a year.
7 PRUNE BURGERS Some states are testing mixing prune paste into the chopped meat in school lunches. It tastes better and the kids don’t dally on the way home.
8 WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONNAIRE? A game show hosted by Regis Philbin. I’ll watch when it’s hosted by Warren Buffet.
9 GARBAGE The band is introducing its own brand of nail polish. It comes in four fashion colors: Compost, Bread Mold, Dust Bunny, and Old Tin Can.
10 LEO DiCAPRIO The press-shy actor is trying to trademark his moniker. Nothing screams ”regular guy” like a TM behind your name.
11 PC POSTAGE Now you can buy stamps over the Internet and print them on your printer. But you do have to stand in line to use your computer.
12 EXTREME WRESTLING Premiering on The Nashville Network this week. They’re trying to class the channel up a bit.
13 CARNIE WILSON Brian’s daughter broadcast her stomach-reduction operation live on the Internet. So that everyone who witnessed it would lose their appetite.
14 EAU NO Reservoirs on the East Coast are getting dangerously low. There goes the main source for pricey bottled water.
15 MICKEY BLUE EYES Auctioneer Hugh Grant is engaged to a mobster’s daughter. One wedding and four funerals.