1 RUNAWAY BRIDE Julia Roberts keeps ditching guys at the altar. From a script by Kiefer Sutherland.
2 WOODSTOCK 99 Four-dollar sodas, half-mile lines for the bathroom, boob-chasing frat boys, looting, burning, and rioting. Then we had to go back to our crappy suburb.
3 TALK Tina Brown, the world’s most famous editor, is about to launch her new magazine. All anyone says about it is that it’s cheap.
4 ACTION Fox’s new dirtcom about Hollywood will use lots of obscene language that’ll be bleeped out. What a f—ed-up idea!
5 FRIENDS It may cost NBC $5 million an episode to keep the hit show on the air. They finally have to pay fair-value rent on Monica and Rachel’s apartment.
6 BOB GUCCIONE The aging Penthouse publisher says he has sex five times a day. What, is he running for office?
7 DEEP BLUE SEA A team of scientists make evil, man-eating sharks even more dangerous. They send them to law school.
8 RICHARD GERE He says turning 50 doesn’t bother him. It just means his leading ladies will be in their late teens.
9 DROUGHT Many cities have banned washing cars and watering lawns. Which should give you more time to spend in your Olympic-size pool.
10 ELLEN DEGENERES She may star in a new CBS show as identical cousins. One’s happy and content, the other’s straight.
11 iBOOK Apple Computer’s new candy-colored, clam-shaped laptop was designed for college students. That means it still works if you spill beer on it.
12 THE SOPRANOS The show about a crime family got 16 Emmy nods. It works out to one broken leg per nomination.
13 THE FBI It stopped giving tours of its Washington headquarters. Too many visitors were asking Scully and Mulder for autographs.
14 DICK In the movie, two teenage girls become Nixon’s advisers on Watergate. Well, that explains everything.
15 PRINCE WILLIAM The king-to-be is learning to drive. How hard can it be to say ”Buckingham Palace, James”?