This is the summer of geezer rock concerts
Look, I’m a sucker for classic rock as much as the next guy. In fact, a few weeks back I even wrote a column on why I thought VH1’s ”Behind the Music” was the best show on TV, specifically singling out the Lynyrd Skynyrd and Mamas and the Papas episodes. Still, that doesn’t mean I want to see them outside of my living room. As this summer’s concert-tour season kicks off, I’m beginning to get a little creeped out by all the grizzled dinosaur acts hitting the road. It’s almost like an eerie sci-fi movie — ”Encore of the Living Dead.”
Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for employing the elderly and keeping them busy during their Geritol years. Heck, they earned it. And there actually are a few shows I wouldn’t mind catching, like Bruce Springsteen, Bob Dylan, and the Allman Brothers. But some of these guys just have no shame. And I won’t even get into the sheer hypocrisy of rock stars who used to throw around slogans like ”Don’t trust anyone over 30” and ”Hope I die before I get old.” Now they’re more likely to tell their fans to get the hell off their lawns and leave the directional blinker on their tour buses as they cruise at a steady 35 MPH between gigs.
I don’t want to seem heartless. I understand that the reason most of these rockers are touring is because they probably weren’t big rainy-day money savers in their heydays. But I’m just worried someone may break a hip at one of these shows. So in an effort to get these guys back at the Early Bird Specials where they belong, I’ve compiled a handy ”10 Least Wanted Tours Guide” for this summer. And if you do decide to attend one of these shows, remember to really speak up when shouting out song requests.
Styx: Just when you were finally beginning to think that not everything sucked in the ’70s, here comes Styx futilely trying to prove that cheese never goes rotten.
Eric Burdon and the New Animals: Just wondering, but did anyone notice when the ‘Old Animals’ left?
Blue Oyster Cult: Am I the only one who’d love to see wild man Ted Nugent at this show with his bow and arrow?
Jefferson Starship: Their last hit album may have been 1985’s ”Knee Deep in the Hoopla,” but they’re still knee-deep in something.
Jimmy Buffett: Beneath that Hawaiian shirt resides pure evil, plain and simple.
”Weird Al” Yankovic: The only way you’ll get me is if you get Gallagher to smash melons as your opening act.
Night Ranger: The ’80s Hair Band of ”Sister Christian” fame is so profoundly lame it doesn’t even qualify as ‘kitsch.’
Loverboy: Why don’t they just team up with Night Ranger and cut the collective misery in half?
Modern English: Um, ‘Modern’ compared to what exactly?
The Village People: The madness must finally end… and remember, only YOU can stop it.