1 New Year’s Resolution
To be more positive and less sarcastic. Yeah, right.
Wine merchants predict there won’t be enough bubbly to go around on New Year’s Eve, 1999. It’s called the ”Y1Case?” problem.
3 Terminator 3
Arnold Schwarzenegger may agree to make another sequel. The android comes back from the future to stop them from making Babe: Pig in the City.
4 Sean Penn
He’s going to stop acting in Hollywood movies. That didn’t hurt Jean-Claude Van Damme’s career.
5 Bob Dole
He’s become an official spokesperson for Viagra. But what politicians really want is a drug that will help raise money.
The cuddly extra-terrestrial will appear in a ”Buckle Up, America” safe-driving campaign. Remember, never go faster than the speed of light — it’s the law!
The convenience store is going to start selling fancy wines. Like Thunderbird ’62 and Boone’s Farm ’84.
8 The Judds
The mother-daughter duo are reuniting for a TV special. And then another two-year-long ”farewell tour.”
9 Year-In-Review Shows
They’re easy to produce. You just run that clip of Monica hugging Bill over and over.
10 Olympic Scandals
Some host cities have been accused of giving improper gifts to IOC officials. But in the Olympic spirit, the best bribes always won.
11 Dog-Fur Coats
It turns out that some jackets made in China weren’t what they were labeled. Buyer beware: Real coyote coats don’t have flea collars.
12 The Euro
The new currency that can be used in Paris, Rome, and Madrid. It’s a McDonald’s gift certificate.
13 Mighty Joe Young
A giant gorilla is forced to perform in an inhumane sideshow. They make him play pro hockey.
14 Larry Flynt
A real patriot. He’s doing for free what it cost Ken Starr $40 million to do.
15 Fire Ants
The killer insects have arrived in Southern California. They want to try some trendy food for a change.