The final bell has rung, and the fight is over: Last Thursday, the producers of “The Jerry Springer Show” announced that starting June 8, they would eliminate all brawls from the program. Even though Springer was not involved in the decision, and called Howard Stern’s show Friday morning to say he would fight it, the owners of his program, Studios USA, clearly support the change.
Springer’s producers finally disarmed after religious groups, led by Chicago priest Rev. Michael Pfleger, picketed local stations carrying the show and threatened boycotts of their advertisers. Now that these do-gooders have muted Springer’s violent influence on young viewers, shouldn’t they be getting to work on other brawlers who spread bad habits across the dial? EW Online suggests that they begin with following:
“Wrestlemania”: Close the ring, and have Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold Steve Austin and the rest of the WWF settle their vein-bulging grudge matches through civil litigation.
NFL matches: Substitute flag football for tackle, and make sure all players take an anger-management course at half time.
“The Price is Right”: New car winners jumping up and down can only excite unhealthy passions in young viewers. These overstimulated victors should be dragged behind the Plinko game and sedated.
“Saturday Night Live”: Banning all TV beatings should include this show’s beating into the ground of recurring sketch characters. The Roxbury club dancers’ and Mary Katherine Gallagher’s costumes should be burned during the next “Weekend Update.”
Sunday morning religious programming: All Bible thumping must go. From now on, TV preachers will have to settle for a gentle tap on the Good Book. Amen.