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Cream And Sober

15 RIFFS ERIC CLAPTON SHOULD AVOID

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Given the devastation drugs and alcohol have wreaked on society, it was heartening to learn recently that recovering addict Eric Clapton intends to open a rehab center in Antigua in late summer called Crossroads. We only hope the facility doesn’t fall prey to the growing commercialization that has infected the recovery business, and that whoever oversees Crossroads won’t cheapen it with gimmicky terminology and amenities inspired by Clapton’s fame. Such as…

— ”Hello Old Friend”: Phrase used to greet incoming patients. (Suggested hip response: ”Keep on Growing!”)

— The ”Lay Down Sally” Lounge: Where residents can chill out on plush guitar-shaped couches.

— The ”Strange Brew” nonalcoholic bar: ”I’ll have a grande half-caf latte — with ‘Heavy Cream,’ please!”

— Derek’s Game Room: Shuffleboard, ping-pong, and — of course — dominoes.

— The ”White Room”: The pristine quarters where group therapy sessions are held.

— ”Let It Rain” seminars: Daily meetings to encourage emotional release.

— The ”Little Wing”: Drop-off center for the children of patients.

— ”Wonderful Tonight”: Slogan used by clients after achieving a psychic breakthrough.

— ”After Midnight”: The signal for lights-out (12:01 a.m.). To facilitate this, each lamp is equipped with a specially programmed ”Eric Clapper.”

— The ”I Feel Free” Sobriety ”Badge”: Awarded upon completion of the program; it signifies 90 days free of substance abuse. (Bonus: ”Key to the Highway” key chain.)

— David Browne and Tom Sinclair