1 PRIMARY COLORS The story of a political campaign disrupted by charges of tawdry sex. Shouldn’t President Clinton be getting a percentage?
2 EVEREST The IMAX film of climbing the mountain is just like being there. Except you’re warm and you live.
3 TACO BELL ads Some say the Spanish-speaking Chihuahua promotes offensive stereotypes. Of gringos who’ll take advice from a dog.
4 THE MAN IN THE IRON MASK The sequel to the Village People’s The Man in the Leather Mask.
5 LATELINE A new comedy based on current events. They wanted to call it CBS Evening News With Dan Rather, but that was already taken.
6 CHASTITY BONO She thinks Ellen is ”too gay” to attract straight viewers. But watching Drew Carey evens it out.
7 THE HEART OF THE SEA The winning bid can take home a duplicate of the Titanic necklace. Hope you don’t have to take a boat home.
8 JODIE FOSTER The mom-to-be isn’t talking about the baby’s father. But she’s already picked out names: John Doe if it’s a boy, Anonymous if it’s a girl.
9 GASOLINE In some states it’s under a dollar a gallon. Making drive-by shootings a real bargain.
10 SAINT PATRICK’S DAY The one day of the year when everyone’s a little Irish. It takes the other 364 days to recover.
11 FOR YOUR LOVE A sitcom about the lives of three young couples. Should last about as long as most young couples do.
12 LUKE AND LAURA Will their son find out his father assaulted his mother? If he doesn’t get amnesia or get buried alive.
13 GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION Are fans still going to follow them around the country? Or will they finally get jobs?
14 THE DIONNE QUINTS The Canadian government gave the three surviving sisters $2.8 million for wrecking their lives. Ordinary Canadians let them wreck it for free.
15 PAULA ABDUL She’s getting her second divorce after being married 16 months. Who’s her marriage counselor, Larry King or Cher?