1. The Ocars
What’s the difference between an Academy Award nominee and the President of the U.S.? Nonwhites have a chance to become President.
2. Kenneth Starr
A source close to the investigation says, ”There are no leaks coming from my…er, his office.”
The network is asking its affiliates to help pay the $13 million-an-episode bill for ER. Its insurance doesn’t cover hit shows.
It got 14 Oscar nominations. One per lifeboat.
5. Diagnosis Murder
Regis kills Kathie Lee on an upcoming episode. He “accidentally” bores her to death with a story about Notre Dame.
6. The Grammys
The mayor says the Grammy chief is rude and doesn’t care if the show remains in New York. But the Soup Nazi can stay?
7. The Windsor Auction
It will take nine days to sell all the Duke and Duchess’ junk. No wonder he abdicated — it cut into his shopping time.
The ski events got thrown off schedule because of heavy snow. The skating went on, however, despite the ice.
A government team finds a giant spacecraft resting at the bottom of the ocean. That’s where aliens go when it’s too hot in Roswell.
10. Princess Diana
A new book claims that she could have been saved. But if she’d lived, people who write books about her would have to get real jobs.
11. The Psychic Friends Network
They’ve filed for bankruptcy. Who could have seen this coming?
MTV rejected her new Candie’s commercials. It seems they offended Marilyn Manson.
13. The Closer
A new TV show starring Tom Selleck as the ultimate dealmaker. It was originally called Magnum B.S.
14. Trial Lawyers
A report says they have 30 percent more testosterone than other lawyers. Ten percent more and they could be politicians.
15. The Wedding Singer
Adam Sandler stars in this ’80s nostalgia movie. It’s The History Channel for 13-year-olds.