1. Valentine’s Day The most romantic day of the year. Of course, now you can say that about Presidents’ Day too.
2. ER The remaining original cast members got million-dollar bonuses. Chicago Hope got Mandy Patinkin CDs.
3. Stephen King Creator Chris Carter completely revamped a script the author wrote for The X-Files. The one that started, “It was a bright and sunny day…”
4. Ellen She’ll be on hiatus for six weeks. Isn’t that the Greek island where all the famous lesbians hang out?
5. Alicia Silvestone She wants frog dissections banned. They distract from the real reason for high school — meeting boys and having babies.
6. Winter Olympics The curling’s on tape delay? That spoils all the excitement.
7. El Niño California’s fourth season. The others are earthquake, fire, and drought.
8. Penthouse They’ve offered Monica Lewinsky $2 million for her story and a partially nude pictorial. President Clinton’s expected to make a $2.5 million counterbid.
9. Titanic It’s taken in over $300 million in cash. You’d think it was running for office.
10. Bobby Brown Seems he’ll do a little jail time for drunk driving. He wants to know if his chauffeur can do it for him.
11. Bruce and Demi A former nanny is suing them. She claims that they required her to travel around the world. Oh, no, not fancy hotels in Paris and London again!
12. The Iditarod Race Mushing dogsleds hundreds of miles over desolate tundra through arctic blizzards. Some people have all the fun.
13. Dick Clark and Ed McMahon They’re being sued for “deceptive practices” in connection with a mail-order sweepstakes. Would that be a blooper or a blunder?
14. The Replacement Killers For connoisseurs of ultraviolence. Made possible by a grant from the National Endowment for the Martial Arts.
15. Great Expectations Hollywood has turned a book you didn’t read in high school into a movie you don’t want to see now.