1 ROSEANNE She’s divorcing husband No. 3. America was shocked. That it lasted this long.
2 HARD RAIN Christian Slater must outwit a gang of nasty criminals. He’s also in this movie.
3 OPRAH Her remarks about mad cow disease landed her in a court in Texas. Where it’s okay to slaughter cows but against the law to insult them.
4 STEPHEN KING He’s written an episode of The X-Files. And what did he do after breakfast?
5 HUMAN CLONING One word: Urkel.
6 AUSTRALIA The prime minister refused to attend a Spice Girls movie premiere. Well, there goes the 11-year-old vote.
7 THE OLYMPIC TORCH It’s blown out at least six times on the way to the Winter Games in Nagano. But who’s judging?
8 FALLEN Police detective Denzel Washington tries to catch Satan. How hard can it be? We know he’s in telemarketing.
9 LEAF BLOWERS The city of Los Angeles has banned them for being noisy and dirty. Unlike, say, cars, helicopters, and jumbo jets.
10 THE WARMEST YEAR IN HISTORY It’s all just a bunch of alarmist nonsense. Now put on your bathing suit and go to school.
11 ETHAN AND UMA They’re going to have a baby. So soon after not getting married?
12 OSCAR AND LUCINDA A movie starring Ralph Fiennes as a flawed priest who’s addicted to gambling. It’s what Going My Way could have been.
13 EDDIE FISHER He’s written a tell-all book about his failed marriages to Debbie Reynolds and Elizabeth Taylor. I’d divorce a guy who’d do that.
14 DAVID BRINKLEY The former newsman has become a corporate spokesman. The GE, Westinghouse, and Disney TV-network pundits say people won’t trust him if he works for a big conglomerate.
15 MR. BLACKWELL He put Pamela Lee on his Worst-Dressed List. She wears clothes?