1 BABY SPICE She had her name tattooed on her butt. She kept forgetting it.
2 OPRAH WINFREY Some cattle ranchers are suing her for remarks that she made about mad cow disease. They said, ”Beef American, safe is.”
3 THE LITTLE HEADLESS MERMAID The famous statue in Copenhagen was hit by vandals. Either that or Wes Craven has signed with Disney.
4 BUDDY The President has gotten a new First Dog. And a second oval carpet.
5 GARRY SHANDLING The star of The Larry Sanders Show has announced that this upcoming season will be his last. You mean he’s still on?
6 KELSEY GRAMMER An odd choice to host the Grammy Awards? No, his history of substance abuse has made him an honorary musician.
7 DIANA Thousands are buying $15 tickets to visit her grave. Do they give you a specific time or is it festival grieving?
8 AS GOOD AS IT GETS Jack Nicholson plays an over-the-top nutcase. That’s something you never see in his movies.
9 HOT-AIR BALLOONING The new pastime of rich execs. Being up there makes laying off all those employees worth it.
10 ASK HARRIET A guy in drag writes an advice column. He gets away with it because who at a newspaper would snoop around and ask questions?
11 THE BOXER Daniel Day-Lewis trained like a prizefighter for this role. The hard part was learning to like the taste of ear.
12 VW BEETLE The updated version of the Bug will come with an optional automatic transmission. With the stick shift, too many people dropped the roach clip.
13 WAG THE DOG A President’s spin doctors ”produce” a fake war to improve his popularity. Can’t they just fake a reelection?
14 STYLE & SUBSTANCE What do you call a self-made female multimillionaire? According to this show—an airhead.
15 THE PEOPLE’S CHOICE AWARDS It’s a lot like the Nobel Prize. Except it goes to people who are already rich and don’t really help humanity.