1 BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD There will be no more new episodes. They can’t run ABC and perform at the same time.
2 ARNOLD AND MARIA The Schwarzeneggers took two months to name their new child Christopher. Good thing they didn’t have septuplets.
3 JANET RENO She says when she leaves Washington she wants to tool around the country in a truck. Scaring the hell out of hitchhikers.
4 J. PETERMAN The upscale cataloger will sell props from the movie Titanic. Shop early — there aren’t enough lifeboats for everyone.
5 MICHAEL FLATLEY The rock star-ish Lord of the Dance has a chest infection. Doctors found he’s allergic to shirts.
6 ELTON JOHN He’s selling 10,000 items from his wardrobe for charity. And not one Bulls jersey in the bunch.
7 KENNY G He set a record by holding an E flat for 45 minutes, 47 seconds. It sounds like his last CD.
8 CARRY-ON BAGS The airlines are limiting passengers to one item. If you’re smart, that item will be a lunch box.
9 THE REAL WORLD The popular MTV show’s next locale will be Seattle. The real real world will watch it in their parents’ basement in Akron.
10 GOOD WILL HUNTING Robin Williams teaches a boy genius how to cope. If the kid is so smart, why didn’t he figure it out himself?
11 PAUL REUBENS The comedian formerly known as Pee-wee Herman will have a variety show. He’s already booked Rob Lowe and Hugh Grant.
12 COSMETIC SURGERY More men are having it done. But as you go under you hear ”Is this the sex change?”
13 THE JILTED BRIDE Her groom-to-be skipped their $100,000-plus wedding, then took the Tahiti honeymoon by himself. That sounds more like a married man.
14 HARRISON FORD Helen Mirren said that he’s not a good kisser. Guess who won’t be in the next Tom Clancy movie.
15 LATRELL SPREWELL The NBA star attacked his coach at practice. Idiot — you’re supposed to save that for the game.