1 THANKSGIVING People will eat too much, fight with their families, and complain about the long trip. No wonder the Pilgrims only did it once.
2 BARBIE Next year Mattel will make her more like a real woman. They’re going to make her breasts and her salary smaller.
3 JOHN GRISHAM’S THE RAINMAKER Elves take on a giant insurance company. Actually it’s an idealistic lawyer, but who believes in them?
4 PLASTIC SURGERY Some patients claim a Los Angeles doctor groped them before operating. We’re a headline away from HE LIFTED MY SKIRT, THEN MY FACE.
5 WHITNEY HOUSTON She’s scheduled to perform at a mass wedding of people who just met. She will sing the lovely ”What’s Your Name, Again?”
6 QUIZ NIGHTS The latest bar fad: tough trivia questions. Like, ”Where’d I park my car?”
7 SING & SNORE ERNIE This year’s Tickle Me Elmo. Next year’s landfill.
8 YALE They’ve passed a resolution barring sex between students and faculty. What about group sex? That still okay?
9 DOG HEALTH CLUBS In California you can take Fido for a workout. They recommend 20 minutes on the PostMaster.
10 MORTAL KOMBAT ANNIHILATION 1997’s feel-good movie.
11 SIR PAUL MCCARTNEY He tops the classical-music charts with Standing Stone. Beating out Spice Girls Sing Verdi.
12 MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL Sex and murder in oh-so-civilized Savannah. It’s so charming the muggers even say ”Come again, y’hear?”
13 MEATLESS FRIDAYS U.S. Roman Catholic bishops are considering a return to the old custom. Next they’ll want you to go to church every Sunday and not get divorced.
14 THE CAPEMAN Paul Simon’s musical about a ’50s gang murder. What West Side Story could have been, no doubt.
15 PRINCESS DIANA Kevin Costner says she might have starred in the sequel to The Bodyguard. Yeah, right after she designed a line of clothes for Kmart.