1 GEORGE CLOONEY He objects that People tagged him the Sexiest Man Alive. He wanted to make the cover the way ordinary people do — by falling down a well.
2 GARTH BROOKS How long has his new album, Sevens, been delayed? When he recorded it, it was called Twos.
3 JIMMY STEWART There’s talk of renaming the L.A. International Airport after the late movie star. And the bus station after Robert Downey Jr.
4 BARNEY He’s suing the San Diego Chicken. So that’s what killed the dinosaurs: lawyers.
5 ER NBC might need to pay $10 million an episode or the show may jump networks. Warren Littlefield just coded.
6 THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO LITTLE Finally, the Jesse Helms story.
7 MADONNA She says she’s studying Judaism but has no plans to convert. The Jewish people are so relieved.
8 ANASTASIA A cartoon about a starving orphan girl. And if you don’t start behaving, we’re going to see it.
9 TOMMY AND PAMELA LEE Their infamous boudoir tape is back in the news. Who were they making this for, anyway — their parents?
10 BARBRA STREISAND She and James Brolin are making us all queasy with gooey interviews. It’s verbal fen-phen.
11 THE ”SOUP NAZI” The tyrannical chef’s little take-out kitchen has been rated higher than some of New York’s most famous restaurants. Because he’s friendlier.
12 THE JACKAL Bruce Willis plays the world’s most lethal assassin. A New Jersey driver.
13 RESERVED MOVIE SEATS At two theaters in Manhattan, you’ll soon be able to choose your seat when you get tickets. Anything in the No Cell Phone section?
14 CHRISTMAS SHOPPING The insanity is starting earlier and earlier. This year kids are telling Santa what they want for Thanksgiving.
15 MURPHY BROWN She knows it’s illegal to smoke ”medical marijuana” during her chemotherapy. It’s just hard for her to get down to Hooters for a drink.