1 Mad City Dustin Hoffman plays a slimy TV reporter who manipulates the news. We have to leave the house to see that?
2 Bean Will the British TV character’s humor work in America? Or will we need Jim Carrey’s talking butt to explain it to us?
3 Starship Troopers Giant insects from outer space try to take over the earth. And they started with my apartment.
4 Eve’s Bayou A film about all kinds of black magic and hanky-panky. Valley of the Voodoo Dolls.
5 Marv Albert The unemployed sportscaster will appear on Letterman. What to wear — the dog collar or the teddy?
6 Disney The company is banned in China for making anticommunist films. Unlike in our democracy, where it’s being boycotted for being anti-Christian.
7 Jewel A book of poems she will produce/Because hit songs give her the juice/And Emily Dickinson can only yearn/For the 2 million clams that Jewel will earn.
8 Mike Tyson The former champ broke a rib when he was thrown from his motorcycle. So he bit off a handlebar.
9 Metallica The world’s most pretentious band couldn’t find a single major U.S. city that would let them perform for free. That’s why Philadelphia got them.
10 Jeopardy! The game show did a taping in Washington. It was a bit different — each contestant had a lawyer beside him.
11 Saddam Hussein How do you say ”I make Homer Simpson look smart” in Arabic?
12 Courtney Love The former abuser is now making antidrug messages. You mean she’s out of the music business?
13 Spike Lee The Knicks’ No. 1 fan will direct Lakers commercials. That’s the only way to pay for those courtside seats?
14 O.J.’s Mansion You can have the empty Brentwood estate for $4 million. Of course, the only people with that kind of money are defense lawyers.
15 Howard Stern Is he practicing medicine without a license by giving women breast exams on the air? It doesn’t matter — anyone who lets him is brain-dead already.