1 Ellen ”Warning: If you don’t know what this show is about, you have just awoken from a yearlong coma. Please ring for a nurse.”
2 The Devil’s Advocate Lawyer Keanu Reeves discovers his boss is evil, diabolical, and wicked. So, what’s the hitch?
3 Playing God Disgraced doctor David Duchovny goes to work for organized crime. Yet they never say ”HMO” in the movie.
4 The Full Monty Reports are the cast will make an appearance on The Drew Carey Show. Drew Carey nude — TV’s answer to fen-phen.
5 Janet Jackson She hasn’t spoken to her brother Michael since 1995. You’d think they were married.
6 Land-speed records A British team broke the sound barrier. The two kids in the backseat said, ”Are we there yet?”
7 Area code changes Folks are worried they’ll lose a tele-status symbol. ”Mom, no one will play with me. I’m not a 212.”
8 I Know What You Did Last Summer You slept until noon, then went to movies like this with your useless friends.
9 The World Series Yeah, right. They’re glued to the screen in France.
10 VH1 Fashion Awards ”And the nominees for the Year’s Most Anorexic Hophead are … ”
11 Brooklyn South It’s like a Berlitz course in vulgar language. If you can’t speak like a longshoreman in 30 days, you get your money back.
12 Cindy Adams The dishy tabloid writer has a new perfume called Gossip. So that‘s what horse manure smells like.
13 Grumpy old rockers Keith Richards and Elton John insulted each other’s work. Who do they think they are — critics?
14 Sinéad O’Connor She’s playing a foulmouthed Virgin Mary in The Butcher Boy. Did you just hear a booming voice say, ”She said what about my mama?!”
15 Della Reese Her Touched by an Angel costar got a bigger pay raise than she did. Reese should use her agent — Billy Graham.