1 THE PEACEMAKER George Clooney and Nicole Kidman chase a missing nuclear weapon. Obviously it’s not a job for ugly people.
2 THE BRIDGES TO BABYLON tour The Rolling Stones are on the road again. Hide your middle-aged women.
3 TED TURNER He plans to give a billion dollars to the poorest people in the world. Of course, that now includes his heirs.
4 JENNY MCCARTHY She’ll be writing her autobiography. As soon as she learns how to make the small letters.
5 FRED THE BAKER The Dunkin’ Donuts spokesman has announced his retirement. It’s time to make the wife nuts.
6 PUBLIC EYE With Bryant Gumbel Tough, no-nonsense investigative reporting from the ex-Today show host. Plus cooking and beauty tips.
7 PFIESTERIA It’s the microbe causing open wounds on some East Coast fish. Fishermen don’t use hooks anymore, they use Band-Aids.
8 THE EDGE Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin are lost in the wilderness. If they knew where they were, it’d be called a vacation.
9 FARM AID ’97 Do your part. Eat something every day.
10 MILE HIGH ADVENTURES The small airline offers mattress-equipped flights for couples. Ask about the frequent-flier plan.
11 THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF DISNEY Modest, too.
12 WISHMASTER It sounds like a piece of infomercial exercise equipment. Do absolutely nothing — lose 50 pounds!
13 MISS CANADA The beauty queen lost her title for helping promote Hooters. Actually, she worked for Denny’s but was too embarrassed to say so.
14 PLATINUM COINS The government has come up with something about the size of a quarter with a face value of $100. The military calls them washers.
15 MONSTER TRIBUTES The U.S. Postal Service is issuing stamps featuring Dracula and the Wolf Man. And other famous former employees.