1 BARRY SWITZER The Cowboys coach forgot there was a revolver in his luggage. The underwear hanging in his gun rack should have been a clue.
2 BARBARA WALTERS She’s made the best-dressed list once again. She wants to win the Lily Pulitzer prize.
3 WOODSTOCK It’s been 28 years since the festival began. Go home.
4 BABY TALK Scientists say we use it to teach children to speak. And to communicate with adult men.
5 CLINT EASTWOOD He’s lending his name to a line of golf clothes. Can you get the pants without the built-in holster?
6 ELVIS It’s the 20th anniversary of his death. Many people believe he’s alive and still walking this flat earth.
7 FREE WILLY 3 The whale that never learns. Shouldn’t we spend our time saving a smarter animal?
8 MARV ALBERT Reports say the sportscaster’s name was found in the little black book of a murdered dominatrix. Keep this up and he can go into politics.
9 CONSPIRACY THEORY Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts stumble onto something that will throw the government into utter chaos. It’s called Congress.
10 ROMANCE NOVELISTS One top writer admitted she’d plagiarized the work of another. She missed her calling — writing for television.
11 MONTSERRAT The tony Caribbean island resort has been destroyed by a volcano. And all I got was this lousy T-shirt.
12 HARRISON FORD The Air Force One star is suddenly sporting a gold earring. Except for the rest of his face, you’d never know he was 55.
13 KELSEY GRAMMER The comic actor was nervous about getting married again. But Jim Carrey told him to call anytime for advice.
14 WNBA Women’s pro basketball is drawing bigger crowds than predicted. It’s not sports that women don’t like, it’s men.
15 UPS Their workforce is idle; few packages are moving. You’d think you were at a U.S. post office.