1 BILL GATES The software billionaire may bid for CBS. Great, now Chicago Hope will start crashing.
2 ROSWELL If the government can hide a dead alien and keep it a secret for 50 years, maybe it can run Medicare.
3 MEN IN BLACK Super-secret agents who keep aliens in line for the government. Or else a college poetry class.
4 COLDS A study shows that people with lots of good friends get them less often. Little Dennis Rodman must have missed a lot of school.
5 BENEDICT ARNOLD After more than 200 years they found one of his gunboats at the bottom of Lake Champlain. But they’re still looking for his luggage.
6 MARTHA STEWART A new bio says she can be demanding with employees. Who does she think she is, a male multimillionaire mogul?
7 OUT TO SEA Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau troll for lonely women on a cruise ship. It’s Das Booty.
8 UMAMI It’s the newly discovered fifth taste bud that recognizes MSG. Scientists are now at work looking for the one that recognizes Spam.
9 DISNEY They pulled a rap record for dirty words. Let’s keep that kind of talk on golf courses where it belongs.
10 WALDEN Bathers complain there’s an awful stench coming from Thoreau’s famous pond. Has a Kennedy moved nearby recently?
11 MiR The Russian space station had a terrible accident. Who do they call when that happens — NASAAA?
12 EAR BITING It’s disgusting. Not at all like the good, clean fun of hitting someone in the face over and over as hard as you can.
13 BRYANT GUMBEL CBS is having a hard time coming up with a name for his new show. Why? Is Pretentious Jerk already taken?
14 SLY STALLONE He wants to keep boaters away from his home. Wasn’t it a waterfront house when he bought it?
15 33-CENT STAMPS The U.S. Postal Service is raising the price of first-class postage. However, waiting in a long, slow-moving line will still be free.