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Tips for the elderly rock fan

A home remedy for the aging concertgoer who misses live shows

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Summer’s here and the time is right for making the concert scene. There’s only one problem: As you get older, you realize that going out to hear live music can be an unpleasant experience. Face it: Sweaty rock clubs filled with teen knuckleheads are no place for a sane adult. Arena shows are swell if you like paying through the nose to see the stage from half a mile away. Outdoor festivals? Great, if you have good bladder control and don’t mind the smell of Portosans. No question staying home is the smartest alternative to braving the indignities on tap at most shows. But if you must suffer, you can create concert atmosphere in your own living room. Just pop your fave platter on the hi-fi and follow these tips:

1) Turn the thermostat up to 98 degrees and stand around in a leather jacket nodding to the beat.

2) Get your friends to yell ”Rock and roll!” ”Freebird!” and ”Whipping Post!” directly in your ear.

3) Have someone blow cigarette and pot smoke in your face at regular intervals.

4) Set up a miniature trampoline and practice pogoing, stage diving, and slam dancing whenever the tempo gets fast. (Don’t dive onto the stereo!)

5) Drink a six-pack of beer and then lock yourself out of the bathroom.

6) Insert a color slide of the band into your View-Master and pretend you’re using binoculars from the last row of Giants Stadium.

7) Invite a drunken longhair in off the street to regale you with a rambling monologue about the ”smokin”’ J. Geils Band show he saw in ’72.

8) Wear new boots for the above-mentioned inebriate to puke on.

9) Put in earplugs, stand directly in front of the speakers, and complain that the sound ”sucks.”