1 MATTHEW PERRY He’s in rehab to get off painkillers. He hurt his back one day lifting his Friends paycheck.
2 DARK SIDE OF THE MOON The alternate soundtrack to The Wizard of Oz. It does wonders for Gandhi, too.
3 BILLY A $50 anatomically correct gay doll. But what really costs you money is his membership at the gym.
4 CHELSEA CLINTON There’s not much she can do with only a high school diploma. Unless she wants to become a political commentator.
5 BILLY BOB THORNTON The Sling Blade actor and his wife have to stay away from each other. It’s inspired his next movie: Slingshot.
6 SPEED 2 Instead of a bus, a maniacal villain traps Sandra Bullock on a cruise ship. If anyone under 50 comes aboard, the boat blows up.
7 FATHER’S DAY It never took off when it was known as Support Tacky Golf Accessories Day.
8 DR. JACK KEVORKIAN The Suicide Doctor just released a CD of his original jazz. One song is called ”Take Five, and Don’t Call Me in the Morning.”
9 ADULTERY What did the senator say as he fondled the lieutenant? ”I could have you court-martialed for this.”
10 PASTA NOSTRA John Gotti’s daughter is writing a cookbook. Sometimes you gotta break a few legs to make an omelette.
11 JOHN HINCKLEY His attorney says the man who shot President Reagan is okay now. Well, as long as we have a lawyer’s word on it.
12 U2 The Irish band’s PopMart tour has suffered from some slow ticket sales. They should have a Red Tag sale.
13 THE BIBLE CODE A new book claims current events are mentioned in the Old Testament. Madonna begat Lourdes, Kathie Lee begat Cody…
14 R.I.P. Seems a pilot allegedly didn’t scatter people’s ashes over the ocean as planned. But he was growing some prize-winning tomatoes.
15 OPRAH She announced that the rumor she’s gay is untrue. That’s when most people learned about the rumor.