1 JACKIE O’S WILL For $18 you can have a copy. But isn’t that money you should be spending on a self-help book?
2 ANNA NICOLE SMITH She just lost 60 pounds. They buried him last week.
3 ROBIN COOK’S INVASION Aliens destroy life as we know it. Please, we’d like to do it ourselves.
4 FUZZY ZOELLER He apologized for a racist comment about Tiger Woods. He meant to tell flood jokes about North Dakota.
5 $9 MOVIE TICKETS It’s outrageous. For that kind of money you could almost buy a small box of Milk Duds and a soda.
6 AUSTIN POWERS A secret agent frozen in the ’60s is thawed out in the ’90s. Is this a movie or airplane food?
7 OPRAH She canceled Dennis Rodman’s appearance after she learned he was a flamboyant, cross-dressing nut. Who knew?
8 CHECKERS Richard Nixon’s dog may be exhumed and buried next to the President. Underneath an Eternal Fire Hydrant.
9 PREGNANT 63-YEAR-OLDS You can see the license plates now: ”Florida, the Baby Boom State.”
10 THE KENTUCKY DERBY Ah, horse racing — the sport of kings. Broke, bitter, loser kings.
11 U2 The band may gross almost half a billion dollars on its over-the-top ”PopMart” tour. That’s what boring old Bill Gates makes on a Tuesday.
12 RECLINERS The fuddy-duddy chairs are a hit with Generation Xers. And they wonder why they’re watching Friends alone.
13 THE REPUBLIC OF TEXAS Let me guess, it’s the political wing of Heaven’s Gate.
14 CYNDI LAUPER The 42-year-old singer is pregnant, but she won’t get morning sickness. Rock stars don’t wake up until the afternoon.
15 THE KENNEDYS People call them America’s Royal Family. Unfortunately, they may be right.