1 TIGER WOODS He broke a literary record, too. For the first time ever, the words golf and excitement were used in the same sentence.
2 EUROPA Scientists suspect there may be primitive forms of life on the icy moon. Like agents.
3 BILLY BOB THORNTON The Sling Blade star and his wife are divorcing. He’s asking for visiting rights to the cutlery.
4 SURGE The high-caffeine soda has been banned by a Little Rock, Ark., school. It makes the chewing tobacco too soggy.
5 CHASING AMY A straight boy falls for a gay girl. It’s Romeo and Ellen.
6 TEENIE BEANIE BABIES Get one free with every McDonald’s Happy Meal. And give the kids something to fight over on the way home.
7 McHALE’S NAVY Tom Arnold commands a PT boat. Finally, a part where that tattoo of Roseanne comes in handy.
8 FISH A new study shows eating it once a week can prevent heart attacks in men. They usually choke on the bones first.
9 ”NO SWEAT” LABEL Now you can buy clothes made by happy workers and wear them to your miserable job.
10 KATHIE LEE GIFFORD From now on she’ll take most Fridays off. The 9-to-10 grind five days a week was simply too much.
11 ELVIS They’re releasing 77 never-before-heard songs of his. Are they his movie soundtracks?
12 PACIFIC PALISADES Yet another Aaron Spelling series about the problems of the rich and beautiful. ”Foie gras for dinner, again?”
13 TONY RANDALL The 77-year-old actor’s new baby looks just like him — wrinkled.
14 THE SMART PUMP Shell’s testing an amazing robotic device that can give you a fill-up while you wait in the car. It used to be called an attendant.
15 PATRICIA CORNWELL The best-selling author had a lesbian affair. Hey, lady, if you want to sell books, get on a jury like everyone else.