1 Garth Brooks He plans to give a free concert in Central Park. Not entirely free — he might get some change thrown in his guitar case.
2 Barbra Streisand Don’t get your hopes up for a duet album with her and Celine Dion singing all-time Oscar favorites.
3 Heaven’s Gate Tell me again; why can’t the spaceship land and pick us up?
4 That Old Feeling A long-divorced couple wreck their daughter’s wedding. Who knew you could do the hokey-pokey that badly?
5 Double Team Dennis Rodman and Jean-Claude Van Damme fight crime together. They start by staying home a few nights a week.
6 Titanic The new Broadway show had problems getting the giant ship to sink. They finally had to call in a critic.
7 Martin Lawrence He’s been in another incident with the police. If he thinks success is hard to handle, wait till he tries failure.
8 Das Boot They’ve released the director’s cut of the film about a German U-boat. Adding Ewoks is a huge improvement.
9 TV Ratings Studies say the system attracts youngsters to shows with sex and violence. Don’t let your kids watch the news.
10 Fired Up A sitcom where Sharon Lawrence becomes partners with her former assistant. Harvard Business School has the dry heaves.
11 Daylight Savings Time Sure, you lose an hour’s sleep, but you get an extra hour of sunshine to watch TV.
12 Tommy Hilfiger The designer proved ugly Internet rumors about him were lies. He did not buy the Neiman Marcus cookie recipe for $250.
13 The Saint A secret agent who uses fake names for everything. Then again, maybe he’s just a political fund-raiser.
14 Charlie Manson They denied him parole. Now he has more time to work on his website: http://www.godhelpus.com
15 Jackie Mason They’re giving the accent-impaired comic his own talk show. It’s like making Sade a phonics teacher.