1 MICHAEL IRVIN Thank goodness for organized sports. Otherwise he might have turned into a brazen, arrogant jerk.
2 PEOPLE’S CHOICE AWARDS The people pick their favorite entertainers. Shouldn’t this be left to highly trained experts?
3 JACKIE CHAN The First Strike action star had his hands put in the concrete outside Mann’s the other day. But he escaped.
4 SUPERMAN The comic-book hero gets a capeless costume and a new superpower. Backstage access to all Kiss concerts.
5 IVANA TRUMP She’s very unhappy with her $4 million yacht. And you thought you had problems.
6 HAMLET Kenneth Branagh’s four-hour version of the Shakespeare play as you’ve never seen it before. Have most folks ever seen it before?
7 BOB DOLE He’s making a guest appearance with Brooke Shields on Suddenly Susan. If he’d won, he could’ve been on Seinfeld.
8 SUNSET BEACH Cheese-and-beefcake meister Aaron Spelling’s foray into daytime soaps. No shirt, no shoes, no problem.
9 NEW YORK, NEW YORK Las Vegas’ newest casino. It’s where people afraid of getting robbed go to lose all their money.
10 SMOKING British researchers say it makes men go bald twice as fast. Finally a good reason to quit.
11 CHICAGO SONS Three grown brothers share an apartment overlooking Wrigley Field. Must-see-a-satellite-dish-dealer TV.
12 TURBULENCE Serial killer Ray Liotta goes berserk on an airliner. You can always tell who had the seat next to the screaming baby.
13 KENNY ROGERS The singing chicken roaster will wed for the fifth time. He caught his first four wives eating spa cuisine.
14 THE RELIC Someone — or something — is killing people in a museum of natural history. Have they been serving dino burgers in the cafeteria again?
15 MICHAEL JACKSON Gossip is that he wants to become an Australian citizen. But he’ll never be able to pass the beer-guzzling test.