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FLASHES

SPECIAL NEW YEARS RESOLUTION EDITION

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DREW CAREY ”I’m going to have a lot of New Year’s resolutions. Last year, I had at least 10. I make behavior-changing goals about what I want to do for the year. Weight loss is one. I want to get to 180 by April 1st. I weigh 217 now. [Pause.] And, I just want world peace, and to save the planet. Why must we hurt each other? Can we all just share our money equally?”

JENNY McCARTHY ”I quit smoking. I invested in a pension. I did all of that. My New Year’s resolution would probably be to save up enough money to buy a home.”

BILL PAXTON ”To do more sit-ups.”

BEAVIS ”Fire, fire, fire.”

BUTT-HEAD ”I’m going to try to do more stuff that’s cool and, like, not do stuff that sucks.”

MARTIN SHORT ”I’m going to avoid aliens at all costs. And I’m going to give up deep-sea fishing. And rethink Communist doctrine.”

CARMEN ELECTRA ”To drink more water. Honestly — I drink too much soda. To eat my vegetables.”

ALICIA SILVERSTONE ”To educate people about animal rights.”

YASMINE BLEETH ”To stop biting my nails. I’ve been biting my nails all of my life.”

ALBERT BROOKS ”To see the next New Year’s.”

MADONNA ”I’m never going to do anything selfish ever again. That’s what I decided the day my daughter was born, and it’s every New Year’s resolution.”

JENNIFER ANISTON ”To take guitar lessons.”

JENNIFER TILLY ”I decided that I’m not going to make any more movies that I personally would not want to sit through. I’ll spare the American public and myself.”

GEORGE CLOONEY ”I resolve not to drink liquids before donning the Bat-suit.”

NATALIE PORTMAN ”Just be a good student and be a good kid.”

LAURA INNES ”To be more patient and have a lot of fun.”

CHRIS DARDEN ”Not to let the small things bother me. That’s enough right there. I intend to be happy in 1997. I want to make all the right moves and start living.”

ROB SCHNEIDER ”I’m going to get all my ’70s clothes out of the closet and start wearing them. The ’70s are back.”

TOM RHODES ”Oddly enough, to not watch so much television.”

JAMES CAAN ”Never chase a bus. Always call Mel Brooks. Don’t drive a Ferrari or any Italian sports car.”

NOAH WYLE ”I want to be extremely focused. And I want to get in shape. I’ve been skinny and built like Abe Lincoln all my life.”

ALEC BALDWIN ”To spend more time with my wife and daughter.”

KIM BASINGER ”To convince everyone to give up meat.”

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT ”To relax a little more. I get uptight about everything, including other people’s problems.”

DAVID SPADE ”Hugs, not drugs.”

JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME ”To be a good boy.”

PAUL RODRIGUEZ ”To see if Madonna wants to have another Hispanic child. I am making my sperm available. Also, to never do the Macarena again. You know, Latinos wrote the Macarena to get even with the whites for ‘Achy Breaky Heart.’ And I think the joke has gone on a little too long.”

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