1. Dust Mites
Why worry about bugs that are too small to see? Besides, my cockroaches will eat them.
2. Newark, N.J.
The most dangerous city in the country, according to one magazine. That’s going to kill its tourist business.
3. Martha Stewart Christmas Special
She’s not planning to give birth, is she?
4. Office Parties
Try to act with dignity, decency, and decorum. Even if you are a lawyer.
Britain wants to ban this film about twisted sickos who get turned on by auto accidents. Over here it’ll be called NASCAR Fans.
6. Everyone Says I Love You
Woody Allen, Julia Roberts, and Goldie Hawn sing. It’s the Three Tin Ears.
7. Carnival Cruises
They’ve banned rowdy, drunken groups of unaccompanied teens. For that, you’ll have to stay in college.
The stars of the hit show have a verbal agreement not to sleep with each other. Why didn’t we think of that at our office?
She’s entertaining offers to host her own show. I didn’t know they were bringing back Queen for a Day.
A movie it’s releasing about the Dalai Lama has China very upset. So upset that the Chinese may not bootleg copies of the film.
Sly Stallone saves hundreds of New York commuters trapped in a tunnel. A million others sue him for holding up traffic.
12. Jack Palance
He’s written a book of poetry. It’s what he does with his free hand while doing push-ups.
They’re considering a sequel to the 1995 hit. It would be called Babe II: The Other White Meat.
14. Tickle Me Elmo
The must-get doll this Christmas. Hide him in the creche — the kids will never look there.
15. Bankrupt Burt
The top box office star of the ’70s has had to reorganize his finances. He may have to move into a smaller ego.