1. THE ARMY
What’s the difference between sexual harassment and leadership? Don’t know? Then you could be a drill instructor.
2. ELIZABETH TAYLOR
Rumor is she’ll be godmother of the Jackson baby. So the kid can see what a normal home life is like?
3. THE MICHAEL JACKSONS
He won’t make the same mistakes he made in his first marriage. Like taking off the mask.
4. IN COLD BLOOD
A tragic murder tale turned into a so-so miniseries. It would’ve made a great book or a wonderful movie.
The former Duchess of York may sign a deal with a weight-loss program. It’s a new thing — the fat’s sucked out through your toes.
Some countries have put Sly Stallone on a stamp as a tribute to Rocky. Your mail gets beaten up and sent to Philadelphia.
7. LOCH NESS
Ted Danson is out to find the elusive Scottish monster. When it finally appears, everyone yell ”Norm!”
8. LIVER TRANSPLANTS
They’ve changed the rules. From now on, only celebrities with a chance of living will be bumped to the top of the list.
9. STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT
The Enterprise saves the Earth from complete and utter destruction. It puts warning labels on rap records.
10. JINGLE ALL THE WAY
Arnold Schwarzenegger battles Sinbad for the impossible-to-get Christmas gift: an American-made toy.
11. CINCINNATI LAW
A 62-year-old’s arrested for feeding expired parking meters. Plus she was wearing gang colors — gray.
12. THE MONKEES
The fab faux have reunited. If only the people who performed on their records would do the same.
13. TITANIC MANIA
Soon to be a major motion picture and a Broadway musical. With songs like ”Help Me, I’m Gluggggubb … ”
14. SHERRY STRINGFIELD
The ER star is quitting a $70,000-a-week job to spend more time with her boyfriend. We were afraid she was going to do something stupid.
Fruit-flavored milk designed to attract soda-drinking kids. What’s wrong with plain old swater?