1. LIQUOR COMMERCIALS
Should booze makers be allowed to advertise on TV? Sure. Let them sponsor Frasier.
A miniseries on what fun-ship cruises were like before Kathie Lee got involved.
3. JOHNNIE COCHRAN
His Court TV show’s called Cochran & Grace. Murder One, Unsolved Mysteries, and The Simpsons were taken.
4. PAMELA LEE
As Pizza Hut Europe spokesperson, she’ll pitch the Baywatch Pie — a puffed-up crust with almost nothing on it.
5. THE MIRROR HAS TWO FACES
Barbra Streisand is in a sexless marriage with Jeff Bridges. What is she? Mentl?
6. SPACE JAM
Michael Jordan fends off aliens with the help of Bugs Bunny. Of course, the government’s hushed the whole thing up.
It’s hard to believe her perfume deal fell through. Who wouldn’t want to smell like a divorcée with money problems?
8. CHRISTMAS TOY ADS
They’re incredibly obnoxious, deceptive, and frequent. You’d think dolls were running for office.
9. DALLAS: J.R. RETURNS
What’s he up to now? Lining up involuntary liver donors?
10. PAUL ANKA
The thinger-thongwriter is thuing his dentist over a pethky partial. It may pop out/and quite a lot/but he did it his way.
11. THE ENGLISH PATIENT
Some critics call it the best film of the year. But others say it’s not that boring.
12. THE ARTIST
His Pretentiousness has changed his name once again. He didn’t think anyone could remember ”Crazypoostinknutjob.”
13. KENNETH BRANAGH and HELENA BONHAM CARTER
Rumor has it they’re an item. We heard it on PBS’s gossip show.
14. BORIS YELTSIN
His bypass was very successful. Doctors say he’ll be able to start binge-drinking again soon.
15. I’M OK, YOU’RE A FIRE HYDRANT
The tabs say Madonna’s dog is seeing a shrink. He has low self-esteem and he’s not in touch with his inner puppy.